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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in Jetta the DOG's LiveJournal:

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Saturday, November 7th, 2009
2:48 pm

In my new house the humans sleep in the up, while I sleep in the down. Yep. This is because the humans are intrepid and unbelievably dense, and don't notice that they are sleeping surrounded by floorboards, which are slippery and treacherous and even worse than TILES. I sleep on my bed, which is safe from TILES, especially when I have my blanky. Yep.

However, this arrangement creates a problem, because I might want foodies or attentions, when the humans are not directly accessible to me. Yep! This means I must use my BARK more often.

Nina-the-cat does not have a BARK, so she must go upstairs over the floorboards and use the cat art of whiskery persistence. Yep. She tells me that she keeps poking the Tall Human in the face, until he comes downstairs to give her foodies, or until his sanity snaps, in which case he still has to come downstairs to give her foodies! Heh heh heh. And when she gets foodies, I get a dog cigarette, or a dog CIGAR! Yep!

So now I know that as soon as Nina-the-cat goes upstairs then this is the signal for me to start using my BARK. The Tall Human is even more responsive to my BARK than to being poked in the face, because he is worried that I might wee on the floor unless I get instant attentions! Heh heh heh. The trick is to not actually wee on the floor, which is potentially an act of pinko subversion that might result in me being sent to Coventry - but to make sure that the Tall Human always thinks I might we on the floor! Yep! This means he will come downstairs in his nudity and open the back door and say: "Now you can go outside." And I say, "If you give me a bribe, I will be more likely to go outside! Heh heh heh."

This means I get a bribe! Heh heh heh.

This morning, I got an egg. Yep.

This all means that Nina-the-cat and me have an arrangement to get the Tall Human out of bed where he can give me, Jetta the Dog, attentions and possibly walkies. Sometimes the Tall Human will attempt to call my bluff, especially if he's already opened the back door and my implicit threat to wee on the floor is therefore lacking in substance. Yep. When this happens it means that Nina-the-cat and me must work in unison. Yep. And this is the signal for the Short Human to start kicking the Tall Human because she can no longer sleep, and she thinks sleep is the best thing in the world. Yep. This means there is one Tall Human holding out against three tormentors - which means he doesn't hold out! Heh heh heh.

Then the Short Human will say: "Why do you give in to the animals, which are right blighters? I, the Short Human, do not give in. Nope!"

Current Mood: devious
Sunday, October 25th, 2009
10:58 am
In which I subdue an attacker in Disneyland

My new house is next to a place that is always full of humans and shops and SMELLS. Based on my own acute observations, I have concluded that this place is Disneyland. Yep! This means that when I go on walkies there, appropriate behaviour is to run around like a mad bugger until my brain overheats. So this is what I do! Heh heh heh.

Sometimes there are other hoonds in Disneyland, but mostly these are boring. Yesterday there was a floppy black labrador and a Great Dane, both of which wanted to talk to me except that I was too busy. I was busy looking for chewing gums to eat. And I found them! Heh heh heh. When I find foodies, I have to swallow them double quick pronto, because the Tall Human conceives of his job as stopping me from eating chewing gum, and I conceive of my job as presenting the Tall Human with a fait accompli. Heh heh heh.

There was also another hoond, which was a border collie as looked to me to be poxy. So I ignored it, too! I went away to look for more chewing gums.

But then the border collie launched a military offensive on the Great Dane! This meant that the border collie became an attacker. Here is what I thought:

Attackers must be subdued.
This poxy border collies is an attacker.
Therefore, this poxy border collie must be subdued!

Yep! That was my syllogism.

The Tall Human could not catch me when I ran to subdue the poxy border collie, because I have three legs and he only has two. Yep. So I subdued the poxy border collie with wigour and elan, by showing it all my TEETH! Heh heh heh. I subdued it good and proper, until it jumped up onto a bench and told its keepers to remove it from the vicinity of the three-legged monster. By which it meant ME! Heh heh heh.

Then the Tall Human subdued me. Yep. I regarded this as a fair cop, and said: "I have done what I have set out to do. Yep." The Tall Human airlifted me and told me that I was in a moderate form of disgrace, the imposition of which did not impinge on my consciousness at all. Nope! Heh heh heh.

Current Mood: pleased with myself
Saturday, July 19th, 2008
9:42 am
In which the Short Human over-values cuteness

I have been given a new blanket. Yep. This is because all the parts of my old blanket were no longer contiguous, on account of how it were falling apart. Yep. It started to fall apart when Donut the dog started to eat it.

However, recently I have not been sleeping with my new blanket. Nope! I have been sleeping on the forbidden human doona, which is currently located on the floor. Heh heh heh.

One morning, Nina-the-cat walked onto the forbidden human doona right next to me and said: “I will sleep here because I wish to. Yep.” And she did. Then the Short Human said: “That is the cutest thing in the world, and therefore I must use photography to preserve this moment for future generations. Yep.” So she did:

In my opinion, this may be cute, but it is also worrying, because we need to take into account the fact that Nina-the-cat can go psycho-nutsoid at any moment. Yep. For example, she goes psycho-nutsoid whenever Jaz the Big Black Cat comes to visit.

As a matter of fact, Jaz the Big Black Cat has moved away, which means that now he cannot visit, but although I know this I have not yet told Nina-the-cat, because I see no reason to. Heh heh heh.

I know that Jaz the Big Black Cat has moved away because I am plugged in to the Human Information Network. Yep. The Spare Human told me she was moving out and taking any excess cats with her. Given she is going away anyway, which I do not approve of, I believe this is the least she can do. Yep.

Also, I have been to the VET again, to get my Dog Leg Repair Juice.

At the VET there was poxy little schnauzer called Harry, who wanted to demonstrate his poxy little BARK. Yep. So I demonstrated my powerful bonus BARK, which was luckily in fine form because I had spent the entire trip to the vet rehearsing it! Yep. The humans said: “It is beneath your dignity to respond to what is after all more a yap than a bark.” But I do not have any dignity, so this did not matter! Heh heh heh. In my opinion poxy little dogs should be put in their place.

One of Harry’s keepers was a small human offspring running around recklessly on the TILE with his great big misshapen head. Yep. The Short Human was of the opinion that this human offspring was called Dudley. However, she did not base this claim on any concrete evidence.

Current Mood: chipper
Saturday, July 5th, 2008
10:16 am
In which I acquire hobbies
I have been spending more time on my hobby. Yep. My hobby is sleep.

Yep! I am a dog of new interests.

Another of my new interests is bones. Yep. I last had bones when Kaska-the-bogan-dog came to stay, and Kaska’s human said: “These bones belong to Kaska. Yep.” But shortly after the human left, the bones did not belong to Kaska, because they were in my mouth. Yep.

Some Egg Days ago the Short Human brought me two bones that were mercilessly hacked from the carcass of a dead cow, and these bones were as big as my whole bonus head. Yep. Nonetheless I managed to carry them with my whole bonus head, to the other side of the yard, away from the humans, in case the humans changed their mind and wanted the bones back - because they were bonus bones! Yep.

I still have these bones! Heh heh heh. They’re still good for a gnaw, and in some respects they have improved with age. Yep. The bits of dead cow that still cling to them despite the efforts of my bonus teeth have ripened and matured and are now a shade of not-red that the humans call “grey”. Yep.

Now I have detected subtle signs from the Tall Human that I’m going on a WALK, so I think I’ll stop writing and go berserk. Yep!

Current Mood: berserk
Saturday, March 15th, 2008
9:34 am
In which Nina-the-cat has some FANCIES
I have not updated for a while because I have not had internet access. Nope! And it has been an eventful period, and I have only been able to express myself by means of my bark and my unearthly gurgling noises. Yep! Once the Tall Human spoke to me on the human long-distance talking machine, and he broadcast me expressing myself. I would have liked the human who listened in to have engaged with the content of my discourse, but instead, she said that I sounded like a drowning goat.

Since I last spoke, Nina-the-cat has run away from home, never to return. Yep! She has done this twice, and has not ruled out the possibility of doing it again. The first time she left on her unauthorised walkies she gave me with a list of grievances to present to the humans, if they should ever show up again, although she, Nina-the-cat, doubted that they would. Yep. Then the humans did come back! Nina-the-cat, however, did not, and the humans kept saying: "Where is Nina-the-cat?"

I decided not to mention Nina-the-cat's grievances, because they bored me. Also I had forgotten what they were. Heh heh heh.

Nina-the-cat then went on a second, even longer unauthorised walkies. Yep. She was gone for a whole day, and then two more days after that. Yep! Cats will have their snits.

I do not believe it makes sense to have anuthorised walkies. Nope! If you go on walkies, where is the walk? It is where the humans are! Yep! So if you leave the humans behind, this means that the walkies is taking place somewhere else without you - and you are not really on a walk at all! I believe that Nina-the-cat did not think things through, because unlike me she is not an intellectual.

Current Mood: I am a thinker
Wednesday, January 30th, 2008
6:56 am
In which other creatures cannot think as clearly as me

The Tall Human is giving me less in the way of foodies than he used to. Yep. Yesterday, my human-coming-home meal was in a quantity which I believe to be pitiful. Yep.

The Tall Human said: "I am giving you less authorised dog food, because of the enormous rabbit. Yep." But at the time he said this, I did not have the rabbit, on account of how I had already eaten it! Yep! Sometimes humans do not think things through clearly.

Last night Nina-the-cat caught another rabbit, which she did not decapitate on her usual rabbit-chomping spot. Nope! She took it into the human's bedroom and made an announcement, which was: "I have caught a RABBIT." Then she went crunch crunch crunch. She did not leave me much of the rabbit, on account of how I et all of the previous rabbit, which were bigger. Yep! Nina-the-cat also failed to see that because I had already eaten the rabbit, I did not have it with me now, and that it was therefore irrelevant to current rabbit distribution policy. Yep.

Current Mood: clear-headed
Sunday, January 13th, 2008
1:58 pm
In which we plan an ACQUISITION

The house humans are all plotting to acquire another resident. Yep. Based on my observations and life experience I have come to theorise and form categories and this means I can list the three possible kinds of house resident. Yep! They are:

(1) Dogs
(2) Cats

Examples of the first kind of house residents include ME, Jetta the Dog, and Donut the Dog. I believe it would be a mistake to choose this kind of house resident for our next acquisition.

Examples of the second kind of house resident include Nina-the-Cat and the ornery black cat and Daj the grey cat who no longer lives here and Willow the Lesbian Witch Cat. I believe that another CAT acquisition would be an even bigger mistake than another dog acquisition. And Nina-the-Cat agrees with me. Yep! She says that if the humans acquire another cat resident she will have a strop. I believe this reaction to be extreme, and to be avoided due to its potential to conflict with one's consumption of foodies. Yep.

But it looks as though the new resident will be a HUMAN. Yep. This is a wise decision. In the past few days the current humans have been interviewing a whole many potential human acquisitions and I have been an integral part of the interview process. Yep! I have been running around letting my brain overheat while the current humans ask questions like "Are you compatible with Jetta-the-Dog?"

When they do this they make sure to send out out all manner of subtle human signals to let the potential humans know what the correct answer to this question is. Yep. But in my opinion, these subtle human signals are unneccessary, since it its obvious that the correct answer is YES.

Current Mood: excited
Friday, December 7th, 2007
6:47 pm
In which I wonder...

Where has Donut the Dog gone to?

I believe he may have been removed. Yep.

Recently Donut has been going on unauthorised walkies - which is foolish, because if there is no human, then it is not a real walkie at all! Nope! Donut has simply been going out, and when he comes back he says to me: "Now I have come back! Yep." That is the sum total of Donut's thoughts and ideas.

In the opinion of me, Jetta the Dog, Donut is a few pickles short of the full barrel.

Sometimes the Tall Human scatters cat chewables on the floor, so that I can eat them. He picks them up with the cat chewables spoon, then drops them off the spoon. Yep. When Donut came in, he would sprinkle extra cat chewables, in the hopes that some of them would go into Donut. So Donut and I would both look up at the spoon with great interest.

Then the Tall Human drops the chewables, and I am no longer looking at the spoon, but darting hither and yon across the floor to get at the cat chewables. Yep. But Donut is still looking up, saying: "That's a SPOON!"

Heh heh heh.

In my opinion, Donut is a good, gormless dog of great merit. Yep. However, his removal has its adwantages, because it means I no longer have to do in my gammy leg in an attempt to keep up with the younger generation. Yep.

Current Mood: oh well
6:35 pm
In which the humans vie for the title of Head Numpty

Today the Tall Human woke up and said: "Today is Egg Day, which means I can have a relax. Yep." Except that the humans call Egg Day "Saturday".

Then the Tall Human suddenly said: "It is not Egg Day at all! It is the day before Egg Day! This means I must wake up the Short Human."

Then the Short Human said: "You are a numpty. Yep."

But this afternoon, the Tall Human called the Short Human a numpty! This is because the Short Human dropped a big vat of yoghurt on the carpet in front of me. Yep! The humans then conducted an erudite discussion on the topic of: What is the best way to remove the yoghurt, before Jetta the Bonus Dog eats it all? Yep. But meanwhile, I was eating it! Heh heh heh. At the moment I am finishing off the task of removing the last remaining yoghurt molecules from the carpet. This is my project.

Today has been a Bonus Day, with bonus walkies and bonus yoghurt flavoured with vanilla remnants. Yep. However, I believe it is a misfortune that the Tall Human realised it was not Egg Day, too soon to give me a bonus egg.

Current Mood: bonus
Friday, November 23rd, 2007
8:28 pm
In which I partake of a SCENE which I do not fully understand

Just now the Human with Fake Ears came to say goodbye. Yep. Then she patted my bonus head and wingled my ears. I liked that part! The humans were all acting as though something important were occurring, so I let my brain overheat, and I started to play the bitey game with the Tall Human. Yep. This is where the human puts his head next to my head, and says: "You cannot bite my head!" And he is right, because biting a human head would be the act of a bolshevik. Yep. But I can bite his hand. So I did. Heh heh heh. I can get away with doing this so long as I do not go too far. However, today I almost did go too far, on account of how I have recently been to the VET to have my dog leg repair juice, which means I am full of vim and beer maltzes.

The Human with Fake Ears said that she is leaving me and thus will not be able to wingle my ears in the future. Yep. This is sad. However, I, Jetta the Dog, am not sad, on account of how I am a creature of the moment and as shallow as a pancake.

Heh heh heh.

Therefore I will say goodbye to the Human with the Fake Ears.

Current Mood: much the same as always
Sunday, November 11th, 2007
2:25 pm
In which there is yet another CAT

There is a new CAT in the house. Yep. It is called Willow-the-really-tiny-cat. Willow-the-really-tiny-cat is really a kitten, and she is so small that she cannot yet hold the full quota of means-end rationality, which means she boils all the time. Yep. This means she is frightening and that I must spend my time pretending that she is nowhere in my visual field.

Today Willow-the-really-tiny-cat went outside, but she was easy to ignore because I had just been running around the swimming pool like a mad bugger and I was overheated in the brain. Yep! This is because the Spare Human was in the swimming pool. After a short while she came out of the pool and said: "You have been running around with too much wigour, and you have made your paw bleed. Yep. This means you must be sent off the field."

But I continued to run around like a mad bugger with residual excitement. Heh heh heh.

Current Mood: mad
Saturday, November 3rd, 2007
4:31 pm
In which the humans rearrange the house
There have been many events since I last wrote. Yep. I have been playing with the Donut and caught and et some LIZARDS and been on a trip to the VET with the CAT. Yep! I have been living in a whirl.

Most recently the Spare Human went for a swim in the pool. Normally the pool area is of no particular interest, even though it contains a Donut. Yep. But yesterday, it contained a bonus human, which turned the pool area into a swimming carnival! Yep! I had to become a participant in this event, so I opened the gate to the pool area with the force of my personality and ran around like a mad bugger and kibbitzed. Yep.

Today the Tall Human and the Short Human ran around like mad buggers themselves, rearranging the house and using the carpet-grazing machine that goes VRRR. Yep. The Short Human would point to an object at random and say to the Tall Human: "You need to move this to the left. Yep." Then she would say: "Now you need to move it to the right." And then she would say: "Now you need to move something else. Yep." The Tall Human then started to bellyache and threaten industrial action.

I suspect that the humans are rearranging the house in preparation for an event. Yep! I am going to watch very closely to see what that event is.

Current Mood: interested
Sunday, October 7th, 2007
4:48 pm
In which I inwestigate

I have been on walkies today. Go me!

I do not go on walkies as often as I used to. Nope. This is on account of my gammy legs. And last weekend I did not go on walkies at all, on account of how the humans were off galavanting. The Tall Human said he had gone on an eating holiday. I think that I, Jetta the Dog, should also go on an eating holiday! Yep! When the humans got back from their eating holiday I told them off and kvetched. But I also waggled my tail and licked the Tall Human's head. Yep. I did these things simultaneously, which makes me clever.

But today, I went on walkies to the shops - and since my previous walkies, LIZARD season has opened! I had to stick my snout into several bushes to subdue the LIZARDS, which are tricksy little buggers.

At one point I found an interesting smell behind a wooden fence, which may or may not have also been a LIZARD. Yep. This does not mean that I do not know whether or not the smell is a LIZARD. Nope! I know. Heh heh heh. But I intend to keep the nature of this smell a secret until such time as I can complete my inwestigations regarding it. I call these inwestigations: Project Smell-Behind-the-Fence-Near-Where-the-Poxy-Fox-Terrier-Lives. Yep.

While I was conducting my inwestigations today, the Tall Human said: "It is now time for us to resume the walk." I ignored his remark, because it was WRONG! Heh heh heh.

Then he attempted wheedling me in a transparent and infantile manner that smacked of desperation. Yep. I used the time the Tall Human was putting into this ineffectual wheedling activity to continue my inwestigating.

Then the Tall Human airlifted me and carried me away like a sack of dog. Yep. While he was doing this, he made an effort to explain to me why I should obey his instructions on future occasions. Yep. He went into great detail. However, I, Jetta the Dog, like to zone out when the Tall Human is explaining stuff! Heh heh heh.

Current Mood: rebellious
Sunday, September 23rd, 2007
11:27 am
In which I attempt some HUMOURISMS

I do not understand humour. Nope! It is an abstruse human concept. However, the Tall Human has explained to me how I might create some humour, in the form of JOKES. Yep!

A kind of JOKE is the light bulb joke, where one human will ask another human: "How many things of a certain sort does it take to change a lightbulb?" The other human will profess ignorance, and the first human will give a response that does not adequately answer the question. Yep. Then the other human will say: "Since I am in a charitable mood I will acknowledge that that is mildly amusing. Yep."

Here are some light bulb jokes that I, Jetta the dog, have made up! Yep! Go me!

Q. How many hoonds does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Dogs cannot change light bulbs on account of not having hands. Yep.

Q. How many poxy little Pomeranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Poxy little Pomeranians cannot change light bulbs on account of being witless!

Q. How many CATS does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Cats is ornery! Heh heh heh.

I believe that these jokes meet all the official requirements, and that therefore humans ought to deem them funny. Yep.

Current Mood: creative
Friday, September 21st, 2007
7:34 am
In which the Tall Human's brother plays with fire

The Tall Human's brother has sent the Tall Human and the Short Human an email saying that if you go to the Amazon, you can get pet Halloween costumes at half price. Yep. He seems excited about this discovery, but the Short Human says he is just using sarcasms. However, I do not understand sarcasms. Nope! They strike me as one of those avant-garde human affectations.

Whether he is using sarcasms or not, sending this email was a dangerous act, since it puts IDEAS into the Tall Human's head and encourages him along a path he was all too inclined to follow in the first place. YEP. I do not believed he should be encouraged in his tendency to put antlers on my head and dress me in a cape,  just so that he can pretend I am a miniature moose wampire. Nope. This would be a badness.

Current Mood: concerned
Monday, September 10th, 2007
9:46 pm
In which I make a LIST (my second one)

Recently perditathecat made a claim which I believe to be false. Yep. She said that apples were not foodies, even though apples is foodies! So I thought I would make a LIST. Yep!

Here is my guide to FOODIES:

Human foodies, what is GOOD TO EAT:
...apple, asparagus, avacado, bananas, beans, blueberries, bread, butter, cabbages, capsica, cashews, cheesies, crackers, cucumber, curries, EGGS, eggfruit, fake sausage, fish, grapefruits, grapes, honeydews, lasagna, lentils, loquats, mango, milks, nuts, orange, pasta, potatoes, rices, radishes, rockmelons, sandwiches, sauces, soups, spinach, strawberry, sultanas, toast, tofu, tomato, watermelon, zucchini, ALL OTHER HUMAN FOODIES!!

Forbidden human foodies:
...chocolate, coffee, crisps, fruitcake, giant iced Vo-Vos, ice creams, onions, PLONK

Human foodies what the humans will not eat because they is SNOBS:
...chicken, dead cow, sausage

Foodies what I FIND and eat and thereby make the humans GROAN:
...acorns, dead birds, grass, kangaroo droppings, liquidamber seeds, LIZARDS, manky banana skins, manky mango skins, my own shite, sorbelene, things what have partially decomposed

Dog foodies:
...dead shark powder, dog food, dog joint medicine, fish oil pills

Cat foodies:
...cat chewables, cat glomp

Human foodies which is the only human foodies what isn't as good to eat as dog foodies:

Current Mood: hungry
Sunday, September 9th, 2007
6:29 pm
In which I make use of a human concept

Today is the weekend. Yep.

"Weekend" is a human concept. Yep. It is a period consisting of the following two consecutive days:

(1) Egg Day
(2) The day after Egg Day

Today is the second on that list. Yep. It is the day after Egg Day.

I went on my second weekend walkies today, and both walkies were short walkies, and for some of the time I was on a leash. Yep. The Tall Human is not allowed to walk me all the way to the shops with me running around like a mad bugger, unless he has evidences that my leg has stopped being quite so gammy. Consequently, I will have to manufacture such evidences. Heh heh heh.

On both today and yesterday, I found an apple. Yep! Go me! However, this is not quite the achievement it sounds, because on both days it were the same apple. On the first day, the Tall Human would not let me eat it. But today, after it had had a bit of extra time to ferment and mature, I et it anyway! Heh heh heh.

Current Mood: yep
Saturday, September 1st, 2007
5:53 pm
In which I run around with the wrong crowd

I have recently had my internet access restored after the new puppy et it. Yep.

The new puppy's name is Donut. Yep. He is called this because it sounds like "doughnut", which is a kind of foodies, which means this is a bonus name! Yep! Therefore, I shall call him Doughnut. Yep!

I have been playing with Doughnut-the-puppy for the past fortnight. Yep. We have played the biting game, and the trying to get on top of each other game, and the running around like mad buggers game. Sometimes Doughnut has tried to grab my back end and play the rumpy-pumpy game, but I do not like that one so much, on account of how I have only one back leg and it is gammy. Yep.

But sometimes the Tall Human and the Short Human keep putting Doughnut outside, which they say is on account of how he is a bad influence. Yep. They usually do this when Doughnut does something like the eating my chair game. Heh heh heh. Or sometimes he will defile the carpet, which means he is in disgrace. But he doesn't realise, because he is a puppy! Heh heh heh.

But today, when my humans got back from gallavanting, they found that Doughnut had et the internet connection! Yep! While the Short Human was busy seething, the Tall Human discovered that Doughnut had also et the power supply to the folding machine. Yep.

The humans did not actually have a fit, which is what I predicted they would do. Nope! The Tall Human said: "Why did you not try to stop Doughnut, as a respectable adult dog?" But I did not stop him because this was not my bailiwick.

However, I am not allowed to play with Doughnut any more. This is a bad thing, because it means there will be fewer events. But it has its upside, because it means that Doughnut will not ask me to play with him in the dark hours of the morning that the Short Human calls "goatblight o'clock", when I am still asleep and I have not yet had my my dog cigarette. Yep. Also, the VET believes I should not play with Doughnut, on account of how I have a gammy leg, and he is bad for my leg.

My considered judgement is that I should be allowed to play with Doughnut, on account of how my momentary desire for enjoyments should override the voice of reason and prudence. Yep.

Consequently I believe that either Doughnut or I must come up with a scheme. Yep!

Current Mood: scheming
Sunday, August 19th, 2007
11:46 am
In which I meet an incomplete hoond

This morning the Human with Fake Ears put a border collie in my part of the house. Yep. Except that it were not a complete border collie. Nope! It were a puppy. I found this situation very interesting, and I ran around the puppy trying to smell it and teach it how to play. And I succeeded! Yep! Now it knows how to play properly, which is more than I can say for Nina-the-cat.

In my opinion this puppy is an event, and it does not infringe on my exclusive hoond rights. Nope! I am still the main hoond, and I consider the puppy to be my protégé.

Current Mood: sleepy
Saturday, August 11th, 2007
2:55 pm
In which I have a walkies with EVENTS

I have just been on a walkies. Yep. Walkies is bonus things!

When I start on on my walk I have to go front legs ow front legs ow front legs ow front legs ow front legs ow front legs ow on account of how I have only one back leg and it is all gammy. Yep. I do this on rapid cycle and the ow part worries me not one whit on account of how I am a Staffy and thus impervious to pain. Yep.

But this is only at the start of the walkies. Yep. When I get into the walkies, there is no pain to be impervious to, on account of how my dog endorphins go to my head like a bottle of human plonk. Yep.

And on today's walkies, I had some real human plonk! Yep! Go me! It happened because the Tall Human purchased some cider. Then I ran around his feets like a wind-up gremlin, and he dropped the cider bottle on its head, so that it started spray cider like it was a sprinkler. So I put as much cider as possible into my gaping mouth. Heh heh heh. In my opinion, human sprinklers should all spray cider instead of water! Unless it is summer and I am really thirsty.

I believe that the Tall Human made a genuine achievement with his cider sprinkler, but he did not seem pleased. Nope! He said: "Now I have only half as much cider as I paid for. And please do not go after that little white dog."

But I did go after that little white dog! Heh heh heh. I ran past the boring dog that had been tied up outside the food-selling establishment, and put my paws on the poxier little white dog and showed it my teeth. I have to do this with little dogs, in order to show them that I am a big dog. Yep! When the little dog was convinced that I was a big dog, it bored me, and so I just ran around near it without actually noticing it. Yep! That's all the attention it was going to get from me!

The Tall Human made further purchases which I later hope to eat, but he got all flustered because I was running around like a mad bugger and he had not brought a leash. This made me thirsty. Yep. So I drank the water near the café! The Tall Human said: "This is not drinking water. Nope! This is table-washing water, and it has soaps in it." But I drank it anyway! Yep! I drank it three times. The Tall Human said: "Now they only have half as much table-washing solution left as when they started." Just like with the cider! Heh heh heh.

Current Mood: bouncy
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